


the golden trio goes on a triquest

by doritohell



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Bill is an asshole, F/F, M/M, crack. mostly, dipper cries over nutella like 20 times, dipper loves nutella, i made a fuckening account for thi, im nto fucking joking, listen i made this during the summer and never posted this, mabel is smart., pacifica is Rich, turtles are bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 16:12:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6712081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doritohell/pseuds/doritohell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bill is jealous. Dipper is horrified. The Turtle is hungry. Dipper is furious. Pacifica understands. Mabel is confused. Grunkle Stan is 5000% done. Soos and Wendy just like pbnj. Dipper is double horrified/furious.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the golden trio goes on a triquest

**Author's Note:**

> listen this is gay but.....its gay. i dont know why i made this. help me. i didnt beta read this. i dont know whats going on

▲▲▲

The day had started well enough.

The five cups of coffee he had made to _really_ wake himself up had not tasted like complete shit, a discovery that had shocked him.

The Nutella in the cupboard had been unopened, (Dipper had stared in surprise and glee at the unopened seal, at the sheer _cleanliness_ of the glass, not yet spoiled by the greediness of man,) and he had eagerly unscrewed the lid, and peeled back the seal, staring at the smooth surface of the un-touched Nutella with all the love he had in his little heart.

It truly was beautiful.

And then Mabel, Pacifica and Grunkle Stan had come downstairs screaming in their pajamas, a huge, floating, screaming turtle following behind them. (Notably _not_ in his pajamas)

And then the turtle had spotted the Nutella in his hands, and went straight for that.

Mabel had also noticed the turtle’s new-found target, and wrenched the jar out of his hands, (despite Dippers panicked shrieks of ‘ _No_ , Mabel - please!’, and Pacifica’s panicked gasp) and chucked it out the window. The filthy animal had followed, smashing through the wall and making a variety of noises that were decidedly _not_ turtle-like.

And Dipper had watched, with tear-filled eyes, as his world came crashing down as the turtle swallowed down the entire jar of Nutella.

And then watched as Grunkle Stan hollered out some sort of incantation, throwing a glass of holy water and a bowl full of salt at it.

And banished away the turtle.

Alongside his beautiful Nutella.

Which was now probably not beautiful.

Dipper broke down as he fell to his knees, his cries loud and piercing and horrible and very similar to the sound of a large, fat baby dying slowly. He slowly leant forwards until his forehead was touching the ground, his fist hitting it repeatedly.

Pacifica squats down next him, patting his back.

“Jesus f- Mabel, get Dipper to stop that caterwauling!” Dipper vaguely heard Stan yell over his pained sobs. “I think he’s making my ears _bleed._ ”

“Come ooooon, Dipper!” Mabel slaps her hands over Dippers mouth. “We can buy a new jar of Nutella, if you want!” (“No, we cannot, those things are _expensive –_ we agreed on one every three months.”)

“I don’t _want_ another jar of Nutella.” Dipper spits out after he moves her hand away from his mouth, rubbing viciously at his eyes. “That was _my_ Nutella and that turtle didn’t deserve it; that turtle doesn’t deserve _anything_.”

“Dipper, pleas-“

“- **Damn _right_ it doesn’t!**”

“ _No._ ” Stan groans.

“Huh.” Pacifica says.

“ **Hey there Pines, Blondie!** ” Bill’s voice is as obnoxious as ever, but Dipper is sure that if he screams loud enough, he’ll be able to drone it out. “ **So I was just floating around the mindscape, you know, the usual!** (Pained cries) **And then I couldn’t help but notice that you had a little** (more pained cries) **animal problem! And then I thought to myself,** ( _more_ pained scream-cries) **hey! Why don’t _I –_** **PINE TREE YOU BETTER SHUT YOUR FLAP OR I’LL BURN YOUR MEATSUIT ALIVE AND TORTURE YOUR SOUL WITH NIGHTMARES UNTIL THE END OF ITS EXISTANCE.”**

Dipper howls louder in response. No fancy demon Dorito can stop him. Especially one with no ‘flap’ to speak of.

Worried, Pacifica squats down next to him.

“Okay, Dipper. I get that you’re upset over the Nutella jar. And I understand! New jars of Nutella _are_ really important,” Pacifica whispers urgently in his ear. “But you need to shut the _fuck up_ right now because Bill’s eye is fucking red as shit and I do _not_ want you to die right now because you can’t stop wailing.”

“….Shit isn’t red.” Dipper sniffles, but finally goes back to a normal sitting position, gazing upwards at the dream demon. Bill’s eye slowly fades back to normal.

” **MUCH better!** ” Bill says cheerfully, clapping his little black hands together. “ **As I was saying before I was so _rudely interrupted,_ I was thinking to myself, hey! Why don’t I be the better demon here and help you all out?** ” (“Go away Bill!” “Mabel, he’ll blast you!” “I don’t care, he’s been here at least forty times in the last month!”)

“No _way!_ ” Mabel calls out.

“Will it get my Nutella back?” Dipper asks, voice louder than Mabel’s for once.

“ **You better believe it, kid!** ” Bill replies cheerily, and Dipper’s heart soars in his chest. He can feel love and trust and hope starting to re-emerge in his heart, and the very feeling fills him with joy.

“What kind of ‘helping out’ does ‘helping us out’ entail?” Dipper says, trying not to look _too_ eager. (He fails horribly.)

Mabel’s head turns faster than the speed of light to face his (probably), disbelief written all over it.

“Dipper, what the heck?” She exclaims, throwing her arms in the air. “You _know_ we can’t trust Bill! He’s a good for nothing cheating, sneaky, weird old dorito! A lot like Grunkle Stan, but badder!” (“Hey!”)

“Badder isn’t a word, Mabel, no matter how much sense it might make in that sentence. Besides, desperate times call for desperate measures.” Dipper tells her, then turns back to Bill. “Well? You haven’t answered my question yet.”

“ **Oh you know, nothing too bad.** ” Bill reaches one arm behind himself, and pulls out his cane, twirling it around while he speaks, eye looking off to the right. “ **Just a few years of letting me inhabit your body, few years of mindless servitude, helping me break out of this universe, nothing _too_ big!**”

“What the fuck.” Pacifica says, squinting at Bill. “Are you having us on right now?”

“ **What the fuck,** ” Bill parrots back to her. “ **I’m perfectly serious, Blondie! Now are you on board, or not? Because you sure as heck aren’t going to be able to defeat a demon on that level by yourself!** ”

“Who said anything about defeating it?” Grunkle Stan grumbles. “We can just keep banishing it if it keeps showing up.”

“Grunkle _Stan!_ ” Dipper turns to look, distraught at the older man. “The turtle stole my _Nutella._ ”

“So, did we come in at a bad time?” Wendy’s voice calls out from the doorway, and Dipper turns to look at her. Soos is behind her, and although usually Dipper would rely on the two of them to back him up, he knows that those two are avid peanut butter and jelly fans (ugh,) and would provide him with no help this time.

“There was some floating giant telekinetic turtle thing that was floating around and attacking us. It stole Dipper’s Nutella, and now he’s trying to make a deal with _this_ (he jerks his thumb in the general direction of Bill. The demon waves happily at them.) colossal asshole.” (“ **I’m actually pretty small right now, but I could go bigger if you want!** ”) Stan tells them. “And before you ask, no. You two will be staying here, and keeping my customers happy. I can’t afford to lose money at _any time_.”

Everything about Wendy’s body reads ‘disappointment about not fighting a giant turtle,’ and everything about Soos’ body reads ‘full of excitement about staying in the shop and helping Grunkle Stan gather money’. Both reactions are way weird, in Dipper’s opinion.

“As long as you doods stay safe, I’m happy.” Soos says, offering a gentle smile towards the younger teenagers. (Dipper can tell Pacifica’s face is flushing slightly from being included in the ‘doods’ group even without looking at her.)

“ **Yeesh, can it with all the gross mushy human stuff already!** ” Bill butts in, as his eye scrunches up in disgust. “ **It’s un-necessary and weird and makes me regret coming to you sacks of meat in the first place! Now, do I have a deal, or not?** ”

“No way, Billy boy! (“ **Billy- what the-“)** We won’t be your puppets!” Mabel yells, and crosses her arms, looking as tough as she could in her neon pink and yellow (it physically hurt to look at her clothes for too long,) fluffy rainbow unicorn piglet pyjamas. “Besides, there’s no way you just _happened_ to come by! You totally don’t like us that much! What’s your real motive, huh?”

“Hey, that’s right!” Dipper says, (he’s desperate for his Nutella, but possibly not having to sell his body to get it back would definitely be an added plus.) crossing his arms as well and moving to stand next to his sister, eyebrows bunching together in a frown. “What are you planning, Cipher?”

“ **Really? You don’t believe that I’m doing this out of the good out of my metaphorical, non-existent, squishy little heart?** ”

A series of “No’s” comes up from around the group, and the demon sighs.

“ **You aren’t as dumb as you seem.** **How about this – I’ll trade you a deal you for my _real_ intentions, and then I’ll help you out for free! Or at least half-price. **” Bill tries, holding his cane out behind him.

“Keep dreaming, Bill!” Dipper tells him, and then leans over and whispers to Mabel and Pacifica “Get it, because he’s a dream demon.” (“That’s great, bro-bro.” “No, that was sad. Don’t sugar-coat his bad puns for him, Mabel.”) “Spill the beans, or we don’t help. And I _know_ that you need our help now, because there’s no way you’d stay this long with us for no reason otherwise!”

“ **You’re all lucky I need you for this, or I’d have burned you all to _ashes_ by now.” **Bill mutters, as he clenches his cane tight in his hands.

“What’s _really_ going on?” Wendy shouts out, looking slightly impatient now.

 “ **So… about that turtle. You _may_ have noticed that it isn’t normal, even by demon standards!**” Bill claps his little hands together, his cane seemingly have disappeared. “ **And that is _because_ the turtle – which used to be just a low level demon tiny demon, mind you, nothing I couldn’t handle within mere seconds – ate something that belonged to _me._ Which then made it so big and powerful! Imagine that! A stupid little turtle! That somehow managed to steal and eat something that belonged to  ** **ME AND ME ALONE. THAT FILTHY, STUPID LITTLE-** **”**

“So, where do we come into this?” Pacifica asks.

“And how will I get my Nutella back?” Dipper asks.

“ **-My, my. Aren’t you two impatient?** ” Bill sneers at them, his eye a light pink now. “ **Sadly, the object of my obsession can only be retrieved by human hands, which is why I need you little meatsuits to help me out. I’d get it myself if I could.”**

 **You’ll get your precious human food if you’re successful in retrieving my object, by killing the turtle. The turtle’s body will not be able to sustain its form without the help of my object. It’ll burn out, and the other objects that it ate will be left in a pile on the ground.”** Bill finishes. “ **Now, I’ll repeat myself. Are you on board, or not?** ”

Mabel and Dipper share a look.

“We most definitely are _not-_ “

“-We are! We are!!! Just – ignore what Mabel said, she’s a little out of it today.” Mabel shoves Dipper, but he continues, undeterred. “We most _definitely_ are on board with getting my Nutella back so let’s just go and kill that turtle _nnn_ -ow.”

 “Dipper _no_ -“ Mabel hisses.

“ **Perfect!”** Bill interrupts, (he seems to be doing that a lot today) and holds out his hands. “ **Now, if the humans that want to help would just step into this** (Bill claps twice, and an eye that seems to be drawn by some sort of invisible white pencil draws itself into the ground) **eye, it would be _greatly_ appreciated!**”

Dipper hops in at once, muttering the words ‘Nutella’ under his breath.

Mabel follows instantly, hand latching onto Pacifica’s pyjamas, (Which Dipper just realizes are printed with little flowers around the edges. Fancy. Maybe he’ll borrow them next time he’s forced to join Mabel’s Girl’s Night’sTM.) and dragging them both into the eye.

Grunkle Stan crosses his arms.

“Oh no.” he says, frowning. “I’m staying here, just in case something happens, or that turtle comes back. I’m not having another Triangle Incident. You already know all the banishment spells, as well.” (“ **They _do_** _?_ ”)

“ _Boo_.” Dipper and Mabel chime in unison, and Mabel links one arm with Pacifica, while Dipper does the same.

“ **You really didn’t need to do that, but whatever!** ” Bill sounds cheerier already, and then he’s throwing his arms up into the air. “ **Buckle your seatbelts kids, because it is about to get _bumpy!_** ”

“Bye doods!” Soos calls, as Wendy waves.

“Bye guys - Bill, we don’t have seatbel-“ Dipper’s sentence is ripped away from his mouth as suddenly, he finds himself being shoved through space and time and dimensions and whole worlds.

It was quite horrible, really.

Dipper slowly slides back to his knees, his arm slipping out of it’s hold on Pacifica’s as he holds his stomach, face slowly turning green.

Pacifica pulls her arm out of Mabel’s as well so she can run her fingers through her fringe, eyes slightly wild as she wheezes.

“Just like riding down a rainbow!” Mabel chirps, fluffing her hair slightly.

Dipper looks up at her, about to make a sassy comment about riding rainbows, but suddenly the urge to say goodbye to all the coffee he chugged that morning comes up and all he has time to do is pull back his hair and then he’s puking and Pacifica is going “Dipper _please my feet are right next to your head._ ” And Mabel skips over and helps him by pulling a hairband from seemingly no-where and using it to tie back his hair in mere seconds.

Pacifica walks away, covering her mouth and looking notably queasier.

“ **Gross, Pine Tree!”** Bill cheers, all while floating closer to get a better look. “ **Hahahaha! Look at that! Humans are disgusting! Amazing!** ”

“I’m going to puke on _you_ next.” Dipper mutters, before grimacing and wiping his mouth on his shirt.

“ **Watch your mouth, kid!** ” Bill chides. **“Or next time, I’ll just have to get rid of it for you!”**

“I don’t think I like your attitude, Mister!” Mabel says, planting her hands on her hips. “In fact, I don’t think I like your fashion sense, either! Bricks definitely don’t go with bowties, and eyes don’t go with-”

“ _O-kay!_ How are we going to destroy turtle thing?” Pacifica says quickly, stepping in front of Mabel.

“ **Smart move, kid!** ” Bill says to Pacifica, before gesturing around him. “ **As you can see, we’re in the reality that the turtle has made! It’s a bit like _my_ Mindscape, but you know, suckier. Now, this _might_ mean that it has a strategic advantage since it’s powers are so great and therefore even more amplified here or _whatever,_ but I’m a super powerful dream demon, and you’re all weird, imaginative kids, so I’m around 665.9% sure that we’ll be fine!**”

“ **So what we need to do is make weapons!** ” Mabel instantly squeals and wiggling her fingers, manages to pull out of nowhere what seems to be a rainbow stick with a star on the top of it. (Glitter and sugar is just _pouring_ out of the stars edges, and Mabel’s excited shrieks are literally painful to listen to.)

“ **Did I say we? Oops!** ” Bill claps his hands, and Mabel’s stick is gone, as well as the glitter. “ **I meant me! I’m making your weapons! Your weak little human brains can’t possibly be strong enough to make weapons that would actually kill it!** ”

“But my _Rainbow-Magic-Shummer-Shine-Magic-Happy-Glitter-Surprise-SugarOverload-Stick.”_ Mabel moans.

“ **But jack shit!** ” Bill puts his hands on his (???) hips (???) and turns in a circle, surveying the group. “ **I think I’ll give Blondie a…. sword!** ”

A neon yellow rapier falls down from the sky, and embeds itself into the ground.

There’s a single ovular gem on the handle, designed to look like an eye. It takes Pacifica ten tries to get the rapier out of the ground.

“Self ob- _sessed._ ” Dipper hisses as he stares at the sword.

“ **Now, onto my two favourite twins!** ” Bill spins around to look at them faster than Dipper would have expected, eye almost comically wide. “ **Let’s see…. Oh, yes! Perfect!** ”

And then an axe comes flying down and nearly cuts Dipper in half, (he jumps out of the way _just_ in time, shrieking,) a whip tied loosely around the handle.

The axe head is white, and designed after an eye, and the handle is yellow with a brick-pattern on it, and a black bow tie painted underneath the head, and the whip is black with tiny eyes patterned over it.

Dipper reaches over and pulls the whip off (it’s very Indiana Jones-esque), weighing it in his hand as Mabel hefts the axe up and over her shoulder. She looks very badass, and thanks Dipper when he tells her that.

“ **NO!** ” Bill’s shriek makes them both jump, however. “ **You’ve got it all wrong! Pine Tree’s the one with the axe, and Shooting Star’s the one with the whip!** ”

“ _No_.” Dipper whispers, eyes wide as the axe slides out of Mabel’s hands and into his arms as they trade.

“ _Fffffuck._ ” Dipper wheezes, trying to pull the axe up and onto his shoulder like Mabel had.

It was _not_ easy and in the end his shoulder just hurt so he let it drag on the floor.

“But I _liked_ the axe.” Mabel sighs, before trying to fasten her whip around her waist. (She gives up when she realizes that the purple-blue puppy-corns of her sweater _totally_ didn’t match the white and black eyeballs of the whip.)

“ **And I liked this way better! So too bad!** ” Bill sneers, before he waves his hands to draw everyone’s attention. “ **Enough dilly-dallying! Time is gold, kiddos! Let’s start walking towards that turtle!** ”

“That’s not how the saying goes.” Dipper injects, before muttering “I’m coming for you, Nutella.” Under his breath.

The walk starts.  


▲▲▲

  
“I don’t know if you guys are expecting something fancy from me just because I came from money.” Pacifica says, twisting her lips into a slight grimace. “Because I never learned how to swordfight properly. I quit after the first ten lessons.”

“At least you know the basics, then.” Mabel complains, waving around her whip. “How am I supposed to use this? I don’t want to whip that poor turtle - (“Mabel do _not_ defend it.”) that’s probably animal abuse or something!”

“ _Wendy_ should be here with us carrying this. I should have like, a tiny butter knife or something.” Dipper grumbles. The axe is _extremely_ heavy, even to pull. “She’s the buff lumberjack. God. She would be so good at this, too.”

“That’s _funny_ of you to say.” Mabel tells him, bumping his hip slightly with hers.

“Why?” Dipper questions.

“Because you told me you didn’t like her anymore, but you keep talking about her.” Mabel squints at him. “And in such a _flattering_ way, too. Sure you don’t have anything you wanna tell me, bro-bro?”

“Mabel, I _do not_ like her like that anymore.” Dipper rolls his eyes, and walks a little faster.

“That’s what you said when you still liked her!” Mabel calls out, grinning. “Admit it! You _luuuuuuuuhhhhhh-ve_ her!”

“For the last time Mabel, I do _not!_ ” Dipper replies quickly, his temper and anxiety growing. Those words were _right_ on the tip of his tongue, even _one_ slip-up could end up blowing his cover.

“Really?” Mabel all but _purrs,_ her smile sickeningly sweet and expression making it clear that she’s eager to snatch up any possible tid-bits of possible gossip. “What makes you so sure of that?”

“-Because I’m fucking _gay_ , okay!” Dipper snaps, and then instantly his hands fly to his mouth, eyes wide as he whispers ‘ _Shit_ ’ to himself.

The jigs up, he thinks.

Mabel’s eyes are growing bigger and bigger by the second.

Pacifica looks sympathetic. (Probably because she’s a not-so-well-closeted lesbian.)

Dipper feels like a Kardashian on live television.

“So. Yeah.” He says awkwardly, hands slipping down. “Wow. That could have gone a lot smoother. Okay. I really didn’t intend for you guys to find out like this. Wow. Okay. Okay.”

“Dipper, I- …You should know that I still love you, and accept you for all your weird little thingies, like your Nutella obsession.” Mabel throws in suddenly. (And although it’s nothing less than what he would expect from her, it _does_ make him feel better.) “So don’t worry about that. I’m – uh, glad you told me. Really. Even if it _did_ come from this weird situation.”

“Thanks, Mabes.” Dipper manages.

Pacifica pats his arm. No words are needed. He knows, deep in his heart, that their equal love for fattening chocolate products is stronger than anything that could be thrown at them. (Especially because he knows Pacifica is a bigger gay than he could ever even _hope_ to be.)

Dipper’s sigh of relief is most possibly the loudest thing he’s heard all day.

“Well _I_ called it.” Pacifica says coyly, smiling slyly. “So cough up, Mabel.”

“Cough u- _what_?!” Dipper squeaks.

“What? It was kind of really obvious.” Pacifica shrugs. “So I thought, why not make money off it? Don’t give me that look – you would’ve done it too.”

 “No I _wouldn’t_ have because I’m not a cruel, mean, heartless person.” Dipper sniffs, crossing his arms.

“ **What’s so surprising about Pine Tree being happy?”** Bill grumbles. “ **Humans are happy all the time!** **We’re losing precious turtle-killing time, people. Keep up the pace!** ”

“Poor, naïve Bill.” Mabel cooes, and Dipper prays desperately for death.

“It means he likes boys.” Pacifica calls out. Dipper swats her arm, because Bill does _not_ need to know that.

“ **So?** ” Bill asks, crossing his arms. “ **I don’t care about what your weird human sexuality quirks! Besides, you’re all going extinct someday.**

“Not today.” Mabel says, planting her hands on her hips.

“ **No, not today.** ” Bill agrees. “ **I need you humans today, after all! You aren’t _allowed_ to expire today.**”

 

▲▲▲

 

“It’s gotten _bigger._ ” Pacifica whispers.

“That’s what she said.” Mabel giggles, and Dipper swats her arm.

“Be quiet, guys!” Dipper hisses.

“ **Oh, there’s no need for that!”** Bill informs them cheerfully. “ **It’s known that we’ve been here the whole time! It’s just been too busy** **EATING LIKE THE BIG FAT PIG THAT IT IS** (His eye flashes red for a second, and Dipper flinches) **to pay attention to us! I think it’s finished now, though.** ”

“What makes you say that?” Dipper asks. (He’s contemplating which is scarier – an angry, giant magic turtle, or an angry, giant isosceles.)

“ **Well, it’s looking over here right now.** ” Bill says, waving his hand about. “ **Aaaaand now it’s charging over here too. Get ready to fight, meat sacks!** ”

“What?!” Pacifica screeches.

“At least it doesn’t know how to teleport yet!” Mabel tries.

Dipper suddenly feels like his entire being is being ripped away and pulled towards the area right in front of him, (somehow the axe manages to stay in his hands), and he can hear Mabel screeching, and Bill laughing. (It’s not a good laugh. It sounds like he wants to kill someone slowly.)

And then the turtle explodes into existence in front of him, and tries to eat Bill.

(It was really quite disgusting, as the turtle’s bones appeared floating at first, then the muscles and meat appeared – of which were black, and then the blood, which was golden, and so on.)

“ **You spoke too soon, kiddo!”** Bill yells over the sound of Mabel and Dipper screaming in tandem, and blips away. His eye was burning a brilliant red, Dipper thinks faintly, before he turns and starts sprinting towards Mabel around the turtle. (He needs his Nutella, but he also needs her to be safe.)

It moos at him, (Dipper sprints faster) and then a big, gross arm is swiping at him. Dipper shrieks, and slides down onto his back and under the levitating turtle, clutching the axe to his chest and praying fervently for it not to suddenly fall down on him.

He gets up hurriedly after he emerges on the other side, and his heart leaps into his throat when the turtle swings around to face him.

He has _never_ seen so much malice in an animals eyes before, magical or not.

“Get away from him!” Mabel yells, and then he sees her somehow jump onto the turtles back, and start climbing up towards its head. (Dipper nearly has a heart attack.)

“Mabel no!” He cries, and then (taking a _very_ deep breath) he charges towards her and the turtle, (it’s trying to buck her off) and swinging the axe back with arm strength he wasn’t aware he had, he embeds it into the turtle’s left arm.

The turtle screams (it’s horrible and goat-like) and gold, tar-like blood spurts out all over his arms.

“Get off _now!_ ” He hears Pacifica scream at her, and he sees her slip off one side before he remembers the turtle is still alive, and by then it’s smashed its shell into his side, and he’s sent flying back a few feet, and hits his head on the ground.

Groaning he feels around for his axe, and feels it materialize back into his hand. (Huh.)

He drops it once he realizes the turtle is a literal meter away from him, ready to take a bite out of him.

“NOT TODAY, SATAN!” Mabel screams (from somewhere) and he feels ready to faint when he realizes she’s back on its shell, and sliding down to wrap her whip around its neck. She pulls, and he sees the turtles eyes bulge.

The turtle nearly throws Mabel off in one buck, (she’s clutching to the whip with all of her strength) and Dipper’s shoving himself back to his feet, running towards the turtle, which has moved back and is screaming again. He throws his axe at it when he’s close enough, (Where’s Bill) and watches as it hacks into its other leg, and calling it to himself again, he swings at its leg again while looking up at Mabel. ( _Where’s Bill_ )

And then the turtle lurches, and falls to the side, landing with a thud that makes the ground shake. ( _It doesn’t matter that he can’t help why isn’t he_ here) Looking at its belly, he sees a neon yellow rapier lodged into it. That would mean Pacifica did it, but he can’t see her anymore, and he’s about to call for her when he hears someone else call for him.

“ _Dipper_!”

Dipper looks, and sees Mabel running up to him, and Dipper takes his eyes off the turtle to run towards her as well, hand not holding his axe reaching out to her.

The turtle suddenly snaps onto her hair as she runs past its head, and she screams out as she’s pulled back with a painful jerk.

“Let her _go!_ ” He shrieks frantically, and he can see Mabel trying to make it stop but it’s not working and she’s starting to cry and he’s freaking out and he doesn’t know what to do and he’s still running but what if it eats her if he tries anything and-

“Get away from my girlfriend _,_ you motherfucker!” Pacifica yells, and then she’s cutting Mabel’s hair in half to free her, (Dipper freezes up from where he stands a foot away, Mabel _loves_ her hair,) and stabbing the turtle in the eyes twice. And then in the head three times. And then four. And then it’s too fast, and Dipper’s fallen down onto his butt, axe clattering to the ground beside him, as Pacifica kills the turtle by herself.

There’s golden blood all over Pacifica, and Dipper thinks that maybe he won’t borrow her shirt after all, seeing that it’s now ruined.

She finally stops a few minutes later, breathing heavily, letting her own weapon fall to the floor.

Mabel’s sitting in a slump on the ground, eyes wide. (Her cheeks are flushed slightly.)

“Pacific-“ She begins, and then the turtle starts to jerk, and Pacifica picks up her weapon again and stabs it one more before she realizes the turtle’s starting to swell, and then she’s running backwards, not looking back with her eyes wide.

The turtle explodes, and the contents of its stomach are finally revealed.

A _lot_ of dead animals, some clothes, gym equipment (?) a golden ring, and many other disgusting things that Dipper tried not to think too hard about. (There was at least _one_ dismembered penis.)

“This day was so totally,” Mabel wheezes, and then collapses onto her back. “ _Not_ worth it. Dipper, next time, just let us buy you a new jar, okay?”

“Okay.” Dipper says, in a very small voice, as he scans the remains of its belly for his Nutella.

When he spots it, he wishes he didn’t.

“ **You did it!!!”** Bill blips back into existence, excited. “ **Well, Blondie did it, but still!!! Now I can finally get my-** ”

“Pacifica,” Mabel says, slowly but surely. “You called me your girlfriend just then.”

Bill frowns at being interrupted, but is silent, especially when Dipper puts up one finger to his lips and looks at the demon pointedly, and then mouths the words ‘You owe us’.

Pacifica goes bright red, and starts wringing her hands.

“…Yeah. I just. I was caught up in the moment, and we’re already kind of-” Pacifica looks _embarrassed,_ and she bites her lip before continuing. “Nevermind. It was stupid of me to presume, of course, I mean-“

“Oh Pacifica, you big, dumb, rich idiot.” Mabel breathes, (her eyes are but sparkles now,) and runs up to her, throwing her arms around her neck and kissing her on the mouth.

They make out for a full 30 seconds.

“ **O-kay!** ” Bill calls out from in front of him, and they break off, Dipper saying a quiet ‘Thank you’ to God, or whoever’s up there.

He’s holding a bloody, beating heart in his hand.

Dipper feels queasy.

“ **GREAT job, meatsuits**!” Bill waves his free arm around, and a portal appears, leading straight to what seems to be the Mystery Shack. “ **Boom! Look! You’re free! And it’s not even a trap this time! Amazing! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have business I need to attend to!** ”

Bill then proceeds to stick the heart into his eye.

Dipper opens his mouth and a wordless scream rips its way out of his throat.

And with that, Bill’s weird bricky triangle form began to morph into some… kind of human body.

Literally mere centimetres away from Dippers face.

It was disgusting. Dipper heard Mabel scream ‘Holy Soos, my eyes!’ at least three times. Dipper also heard and Pacifica go “That’s it. I’m done.” And start to walk away.

Dipper wants to walk away, too.

Too many body parts had been horribly transformed that day for his liking.

And his Nutella _still_ looked like it came out of the literal belly of a giant disgusting turtle.

After what seems like hours of body horror (it could have been mere minutes, or mere seconds, Dipper didn’t really know anymore) Bill finally settles down.

He’s covered in all black, (from his jaw to his feet – are those high-heels?) with a black bow-tie fitted over his neck, his trademark tophat floating over his head. There’s one big yellow brick-patterned suit jacket over his shoulders with an eye patterned on the back.

He then pats down his ( _new, surprisingly attractive)_ body, jumps around a little on his legs (they were _long_ ) and shakes his (very _nice_ ) arms a little.

And-

Oh.

_Oh._

**_OH._ **

Suddenly, the filthy Nutella lying in a puddle of blood and other gross bits on the ground doesn’t matter so much anymore.

What’s more important is now this ( _oh so very_ ) attractive young individual (gazillion year old dream demon who’s tried to kill him multiple times) with dark brown skin (that is entirely fucking _flawless),_ golden hair (that probably shines brighter than Grunkle Stan’s Golden Truth Teeth,) and a single (gorgeous molten gold mixed in with shards of hazel and blue if he squints hard enough) yellow eye. (It reminds him of a cyclops – but like a _sexy_ cyclops.)

(He can hear his heart thumping in his chest.)

Bill yawns, stretching his arms over his head, and rows (god, _two rows,_ ) of shark-like teeth are exposed, as well as a snake-like tongue. (He’s so close he could just lean closer and)

Fuck.

(He knows what this feeling is.)

Bill’s eye eventually come to focus on him, a slow, teeth-filled smile growing on his face.

“Nice boxers, kid.” He comments, (and _oh_ his voice doesn’t even have the weird echo anymore and it kind of fits him somehow how weird is _that)_ and Dipper remembers he’s been wearing his pyjamas all morning. (AKA a fluffy shirt and baggy boxers).

Dipper can only hope his face isn’t too red.

(In the background he can hear Mabel yelling at him that they need to go but right now he’s busy staring into the eye of what might be possibly the single most sexually attractive creature he’s ever seen in his entire life and he thinks he might possibly be frozen in place.)

 

*end note : see us next time on gay dorito integrates himself into a human family and small homo comes out 2 old smelly guardian and visiting clean guardian

 

**Author's Note:**

> tell me what u thought about it im literally dying here


End file.
